Talking to Your Family About Your Metastatic Breast Cancer Diagnosis

After you’ve received a metastatic breast cancer diagnosis, it might take some time to process the news. It can also be difficult to figure out how you’ll tell your family— and how and when you do so is up to you.

Living Beyond Breast Cancer, a Philadelphia nonprofit that connects people with trusted information and a community of support, offers these tips on how to tell partners, children, and parents about your diagnosis.

Talking to your partner or spouse about your metastatic breast cancer diagnosis

When you tell your partner or spouse about your diagnosis, they may understandably be shocked, overwhelmed, or scared about what life will be like now. This is a significant change for your life and theirs, and each of you needs time to adjust in whatever way works for you.

Here are some common partner concerns, and ways to talk about them together:

• Let your partner know what you need. If you can, try to be as specific as possible. For instance, maybe you need help with laundry or preparing meals.

• If you haven’t already, invite your partner or spouse to go with you to a doctor appointment so they can understand more about your diagnosis, the kinds of treatment you may have, and side effects that you may experience.

• Your partner or spouse may also be concerned about physical intimacy and how that may change. It can help to talk honestly with your partner about how treatment affects your desire for and experience of sex, and to explore new ways to stay physically and emotionally connected.

• Schedule regular time to just be together and talk honestly with each other about what’s happening. Let your partner know how you’re feeling emotionally and physically and ask them how they’re feeling.

• Sometimes the changes that come with a serious diagnosis can trigger fear or anger in a partner or spouse. If your partner is not responding in a way that feels supportive to you, suggest that the two of you meet with a therapist who works with couples affected by serious illness.

How to talk to your children about your metastatic breast cancer diagnosis

For many parents, it’s a first instinct to try to protect children from news about a difficult diagnosis. One of the hardest parts of telling children about a metastatic breast cancer diagnosis is that it is not curable, and that treatment is ongoing. But it’s important to be as honest as possible.

Experts say that there is no right or wrong way to talk to children about a diagnosis, although there are tips to guide the conversation:

• Don’t assume children, even very young ones, won’t find out if you don’t tell them.
• Use accurate, specific words that are age- and developmentally appropriate. Since you know your child best, you may already know what will work well.
• Be honest but emphasize that your doctors have medicines that they hope will help you.
• Let them know what they can expect in their day-to-day experience. For example: “On treatment days, I’ll be tired, so Uncle Mark will pick you up from softball practice.”

• Tell them you will let them know if there are changes in your health situation.
• Invite them to ask questions and check in with them for regular follow-up conversations.
• Particularly for young children, consider sharing your diagnosis with their teachers and additional caregivers so that they can best support your child’s social and emotional needs.

How to talk to your parents about your metastatic breast cancer diagnosis

Telling a parent that you’ve been diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer can bring up many extreme emotions for all of you. Still, it’s important to be honest and let them know.

Here are some ways to have the conversation:

• Schedule some uninterrupted time to talk with your parents about your diagnosis.
• It can help to rehearse what you’re going to say ahead of time. If it’s comfortable, try role-playing what you want to say with a sibling or your partner.
• Share your honest feelings with your parents and let them know what you need.
• Stop, listen, and observe their body language from time to time to see if they’re understanding what you’re telling them.
• Encourage them to ask you any questions they may have.

While all of these tips can be very useful in telling your loved ones about your metastatic breast cancer diagnosis, it can still be an emotionally and mentally difficult process. Especially if family members react poorly. Joining and national or local cancer patient support group, whether virtual or in-person, can be a great way to connect with other people who are facing similar situations.