Breaking stigma of suicide requires honest conversation, loving care.

admin September 7, 2022

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Christopher Burton has openly talked about his mother who took her own life four years ago and how the lost of his mother has affected him.

If you or someone you know may be struggling with suicidal thoughts, you can call the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline any time day or night, or chat online. The Crisis Text Line also provides free, 24/7, confidential support via text message to people in crisis when they dial 741741.

When Christopher Burton’s mother took her life four years ago, he had no idea of the pain she was holding inside.

Teresa Ward was a teen mother, giving birth to Burton at the age of 14. She had been sexually abused by a family member.

“I never knew she was molested until I read her suicide note,” Burton said. “She never said who did it but she lived with that pain her entire life.”

Burton’s relationship with his mother was strained.

“She really didn’t show emotion except for anger. There was a lot of abuse. She loved us, she just didn’t know how to show it because of what she had gone through,” he said.

Two weeks before her death at age 48, Burton went to his mother’s house for a heart-to-heart talk. It was the first time he had ever seen her cry.

“She laid her head in my lap. It was the first time we had a moment of vulnerability toward each other,” he said. “I don’t know if she was planning on committing suicide then, but that was the last time I saw her alive.”

While suicide rates in Milwaukee County have dipped slightly this year, the rates of African American suicides have spiked.

One of the reasons: the inability to have a conversation about a problem long seen as taboo. But we have to talk about suicide. If we don’t, we will never heal. With September being National Suicide Prevention Month, it’s a good time to dispel the myth that needing help for mental illness is a weakness.

It’s a lesson I’ve learned firsthand.

Suicide among Black men have jumped in 2022

As of Aug. 28, there were 80 suicides in Milwaukee County compared with 90 at the same time in 2021, according to the Milwaukee County Medical Examiner’s office.

But the number of Black men who have committed suicide has more than doubled in that time frame. As of that date last year, 55.8% of the victims were white and 9% African American. This year, 43.2% were white and 25% African American, and all of them men, medical examiner’s data shows. The number of Black men who committed suicide jumped from nine in 2021.

The spike in African American suicides is not surprising to Dr. Kweku Ramel Smith, who studies the effects of trauma and mental health.

There is a link between trauma, PTSD, and all the things we as Black people experience in this country and suicide, Smith said, and stigma prevents many of us from seeking help.

One important step we all can take: Having open and honest conversations. It can be as simple as asking people how they are doing and actually waiting for a response. Practice active listening, and if a person is having a bad day, find a way to help.

Beyond talk, there needs to be a commitment for more mental health treatment facilities in disadvantaged neighborhoods. Lack of access to mental health care has been a problem for years in impoverished communities.

“We know that only one in three African Americans receive the mental health care that they need, so we have to change that,” Smith said.

And, the words you use matter.

People who need help should not be labeled “crazy” or “weak.”

Those terms are destructive and stigmatizing, he said.

My own struggle: ‘I was all cried out’

If we are going to have a real conversation, I have to be honest: I reached a point a couple of years ago where I didn’t want to live and considered ending my life.

My lowest point came after I lost both of my parents — my father to pancreatic cancer Oct. 28, 2018, and then my mother to soft cell carcinoma cancer, May 3, 2019.

As an only child, it was the hardest thing that I’ve ever gone through in my life. It was tough enough losing my father, and even tougher losing my mother just six months later.

My wife and I provided at-home hospice alone for my parents. When my father knew his time was coming, I still remember when he made my wife, Mia, and I hold his hand. His eyes said it all.

Through his tears, he told us to take care of my mother. He died four days later.

Mom’s health began to erode soon after. She started complaining about pain in her side. At first, we thought it was depression, which would be normal after losing your spouse of nearly 53 years. When she started having trouble getting out of bed or even doing the basics, we took her to a doctor to see what was wrong.

The doctor said she had cancer. When I asked what we could do, she told us nothing. She believed the cancer was slow moving and we’d have at least a year and a half to two years with mom.

Mom died three weeks later.

I was so hurt. I was all cried out and I could not see beyond my own pain no matter what people told me.

My wife would not leave my side. She knew I was not right.

Secretly, I wrote a note explaining to people why I chose to end my life and apologizing to my wife, my daughter, my friends and even people at work.

I planned to shoot myself when I got the opportunity.

One day my wife left the house to check on her parents. Before she left, she told me she would only be gone an hour.

I remember her going to the car and backing out the driveway. I watched from the window as she drove down the block and I went to get my gun under the dresser.

It wasn’t there.

She’d taken it.

She knew.

It took weeks before I got the courage to ask her, “Where is my gun?” She didn’t give me an answer other than say, “I don’t like how you’re acting.”

After that I told my best friend, MacArthur Strawder, what I was thinking, and he didn’t judge me.

He loved on me like a friend should. I even opened up the conversation with other friends and to my surprise a few of them — all Black men — told me that they, too, had thought about suicide at least once in their lives.

I never knew, but it’s a conversation I promised to have with my friends and anyone else who wants to talk about it.

Creating healing spaces to save lives

Burton, 38, said mental health counseling helped him understand and cope with his mother’s death.

He was already in marriage counseling with his wife, and he continued counseling on an individual basis to become a better husband and to learn how to better express himself.

His mother’s traumas were passed on to him and it affected his relationships, his marriage and his ability to move forward.

“I was angry all the time and I could see how this was having a negative impact on everything I was doing,” he said.

In counseling, Burton said he discovered he suffered from every kind of abuse — mental, emotional, psychological, and sexual.

“My mom was so young when she had me that she made a lot of mistakes because she was trying to figure things out. She was not there physically because she worked all the time and that meant she left us with people who sometimes hurt us,” he said.

Too often, Burton said men — especially Black men — deal with their traumas alone.

He saw his best friend cry for the first time recently; they have been best friends since he was 12.

“He was going through some things and he started crying and I realized I never saw him cry before and I realized that he had never seen me cry, either,” he said.

It also made Burton wonder how many times his friend cried alone and didn’t reach out for help because he was afraid of how he would respond.

The lack of safe spaces for men of color led Burton to share his story openly on social media and even create a BROS of Yoga club where men can read books on self-help, practice yoga, and talk about deep-rooted issues that are often ignored.

“Creating these spaces are important if we are going to save lives,” he said.

Burton said he learned that people who feel suicidal are crying for help and clarity.

“Had I known the pain my mother was going through I feel that I could have helped her,” he said. “Now I’m still trying to put together the pieces and that’s hard to do.”

Suicide prevention resources

KNOW THESE WARNING SIGNS

The person says they are thinking about suicide or says, “I should kill myself.”
Self-isolation or feeling like they are a burden
They stop doing things they love and enjoy
Unexpected weight gain or weight loss and bouts of depression
They become paranoid and believe the world is against them
They eat or sleep more or less than usual
They use alcohol or drugs more often
They stop caring about themselves, have poor hygiene, stop eating or stop talking

AMERICAN FOUNDATION FOR SUICIDE PREVENTION (ASFP)

Gena Orlando, area director, Wisconsin

Email: gorlando@afsp.org

Phone: (414) 216-4180

Website: https://afsp.org/chapter/wisconsin

IMPACT 2-1-1

IMPACT 211 provides help for people during times of personal crisis. Help is available by simply calling 211.

Address: 6737 W. Washington St., Suite 2225, Milwaukee, WI 53214

Phone: (414) 302-6621

Website: https://www.impactinc.org/impact-211/

NATIONAL SUICIDE PREVENTION LIFELINE

Phone: Dial 988 or 1-800-273-TALK (8255)