How Redefining Failure Can Help You Overcome It, Per Experts

Last summer, I returned from a 500-mile backpacking trip across Colorado. It was my longest solo trip to date. After, I felt strong, capable, and independent. But those feelings of self-sufficiency and accomplishment became background noise as I stared at myself in the mirror, in awe of what 23 days of intense physical output had done to my body.

My legs were toned, my abs were defined, and I was as lean as I’d ever been. Yet even as I was (finally) proud of my appearance, I berated myself, thinking: Why do you care? You were strong before this trip; why does this matter so much? I knew, deep down, that my actual accomplishments were more important than how I looked, but I was unable to separate the two.

Unfortunately, I’m not alone in my subconscious tendency to favor style over substance: The top-valued trait Americans look for in women is physical attractiveness, according to a 2017 report from the Pew Research Center. Toward the very bottom of the responses? Independence and strength. Compare that with the top-valued trait for men, which was honesty/morality. And in the five years since this study, it seems like the needle has hardly moved. In fact, if the popularity of image-altering apps like Facetune (reportedly downloaded over 30 million times in 2021) and endless filters is any indication, this gendered data is as relevant as ever—perhaps even more so.

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Eight months after my trip, I was standing in front of the same mirror, talking on the phone with my friend Allie. We consider ourselves feminist, progressive, and body-positive. But our conversation spiraled into detailing all our perceived physical faults. We complained about the long winter, pandemic weight gain, the cling of clothing that used to fit differently.

At one point, we stopped ourselves. “We’re too good for this,” we both said, feeling a surge of guilt that we’d wasted time criticizing our bodies. It felt backward, outdated. I was experiencing the same back-and-forth mindset as when I returned from Colorado, but this time, for the opposite reason.

“I feel like I’m failing on two levels,” Allie said, echoing my thoughts. “I’m failing because I don’t look like I want to, but I’m also failing because I feel like I’m too smart to care about this anymore.”

The more I thought about it, the more I realized this feeling of “double failure” had become second nature to me. Many, if not most, women spend much of their lives at the intersection of mixed messaging that applauds them for not conforming to societal norms yet offers no relief from the conflicting feedback that pushes those so-called ideals on us.

Body image standards only scratch the surface of how pervasive “double failure” is for women, impacting everything from body image to motherhood to career paths to relationships. “Social comparisons lurk behind every corner, from conversations with other parents to messaging from social media accounts,” says psychologist Ellen Kolomeyer, PhD, founder of Unpolished Parenthood.

The clashing thoughts you may have when a mom shows off her homemade baby food on Instagram (Ugh, I’m the worst parent ever vs. My kid loves me just the way I am) often stem from the difference between our emotional intelligence and our intellectual side, says Tristan Sophia, PsyD, a clinical psychologist in Butte, Montana. Our emotional intelligence (which includes self-esteem and self-worth) cares about fitting in and reaching these standards, even as our intellect reminds us we shouldn’t be bothered.

To be clear, it’s natural to care what other people think. Historically, to be included in a group meant safety and security. In a sense, deviating from the mold means fighting against our self-preservation instincts. Not easy!

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While this experience is common, everyone navigates the idea of double inadequacy differently. Expectations vary depending on identity (e.g., racial, sexual, gender, regional). “These pressures look different for white women and Black women,” says Elisabeth Duckwell, a counselor in Portland, Oregon. “Black women have to navigate racism and sexism; we did not set up societal expectations, and we are not the beneficiaries.”

Though some people bear the burden more than others, many experience the same feeling of defeat. Ignoring these standards seems impossible, and failure is nothing if not inevitable. But there’s a reason why inventors embrace failure: It’s the best teacher.

For me, once the nebulous concept that had eluded me my whole life became concrete during that chat with Allie, it was easier to grasp. It didn’t seem as intimidating to start working on double failure. I still fall victim to negative thoughts, yet instead of perpetuating the self-blame cycle, I accept that the messaging impacts me, even as I do my best to progress past it. And that feels like its own form of success.

With the help of the following expert insight, you, too, can begin to win at living on your terms with these smart strategies.

1. Track toxic patterns.

When thoughts of dual inadequacy come up, keep tabs on your feelings and what triggered them via journaling or a note on your phone. This will help you identify patterns of impact—when and where the negative influence hits hardest. Brace yourself when you open Instagram? Sigh when that seemingly perfect PTA mom texts the group? Seeing the causes and effects laid out can help you change the way you act when those triggers occur.

2. Cap your consumption.

Viewing social media can send even the most secure person into a self-doubting spiral. But the constant stream of idealized images and captions is hard to ignore. Instead, begin to change your habits by observing how you fill downtime, Sophia recommends. Is it only with electronics or by taking a walk outside, petting your dog, picking up a book? Ask yourself if you need to have more balance.

She also recommends keeping the volume off, and setting notifications to only text and calls… no other apps. You can also limit exposure by not scrolling an hour before bed and an hour after waking up, then increase “no-phone time” from there, says Sophia. Take note of how this changes how you spend your days and what activities make you feel most fulfilled.

3. Recruit the right help.

Finding a therapist who relates to the expectations of your identity and community can be hugely beneficial, says Duckwell. Their expertise will bring a deeper understanding to the convo, creating a safe space for you to show up as your whole self. For Black women, she suggests finding a Black therapist and building a support system with others who are navigating healing.

Working with such a therapist with can create another level of understanding, openness, and nuance to the conversation, as well as specific actionables to further your progress, adds Sophia.

4. Shout the unsaid.

Discussing “taboo” subjects can help you see that some standards (for, say, parenting) may not be realistic, says Kolomeyer. What is doable? Broaching the subject with someone you’re comfortable with. Maybe a mom friend asks, “How are you doing?” You might say, “Actually, I’m having a hard time; my life just doesn’t feel like my own anymore.” Being vulnerable allows the other person to do the same and gets you both closer to acceptance. Win-win.

5. Practice self-compassion.

When you feel you’re failing on two levels, self-criticism and disappointment cause double trouble. To recalibrate, remind yourself that you’re receiving mixed messaging and that your intellectual and emotional sides process at different speeds, says Sophia. When your actions are “inconsistent with what you’re aware of, ask yourself, Why am I doing this?” These questions are part of the “gentle reminders” that can help keep you grounded.

Patience (with yourself) is key because while it’s one thing to say “be kind to yourself,” it’s quite another to actually do it. Acting on self-compassion is individualized, but it can include dedicated meet-up groups with relatable people in your community, fostering open discussion, and knowing that your intellect and emotional intelligence aren’t always progressing at the same rate.