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As in the case of Walter’s passing, which was known to his family but not the outside world, the distinction between privacy and secrecy is not always clear-cut.
“There can be some grey areas between privacy and a secret,” Slepian says. Some people may not want to talk about money and sex, for example, for privacy reasons. “But when it becomes a secret, it’s not just that someone doesn’t know this thing about you, but it’s that you intend for them to not learn this information.”
Despite being so common, having secrets can come at a cost.
“People keep secrets for all kinds of reasons but mainly to protect relationships, themselves or others. Secrets become harmful when a relationship is injured, or when it haunts the secret holder,” says Evan Imber-Black, professor of marriage and family therapy at Mercy College in New York.
Evidence from Slepian’s studies also suggests that secrets can hurt their holders. Keeping a secret has been associated with a lower life satisfaction, lower quality relationships, and symptoms of poor psychological and physical health. One might think this is due to the stress and anxiety of having to conceal something from others, but Slepian says the real reasons are more complex.
“The idea that our secrets hurt us mostly because hiding them is difficult and stressful turns out to be wrong,” he says. “Our secrets do hurt us, but often for other reasons associated with feelings of shame, isolation, and inauthenticity. These experiences can leave us feeling helpless, and holding a secret back in conversation is just a small slice of the pain and stress caused by secrets.”
In the case of Alex’s family, there must have been times when keeping the secret did cause stress and pain. But was the impact different because it was a survival mechanism?
Lowery suggests the impact of passing may ripple through the generations, but the wider context of oppression may have an even stronger impact.
“There’s a good chance there is some acute trauma or tragedy that happens that shapes individuals whose families racially passed, that then affects how people behave today,” he says. “It might cause a lack of identity with multiple generations untraceable. However, that trauma is really a reflection of the incredible degradations of the whole state system, which all of the black community have been subjected to in some way.”
Still, the individual impact of a secret can vary. Alex says she feels empowered by her family’s hidden history, and her ancestor’s courage. It makes her feel fearless, and secure in herself and her lineage.
For those who feel less positive about their family’s secret, Slepian has some advice: think about how keeping the secret makes you feel. If the answer is “guilty”, it may be time to learn from the past, and make a different choice in the present – including perhaps being more open.
“When people feel guilty, they become motivated to do something about it. You can’t change the past, no matter how much you wish it were so. But you can move in the right direction today and can continue to do so tomorrow.”
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